Day1!

Winter Vacation day 1 started with a beautiful blue sky... :) It was just perfect weather for outside, still cold... but so beautiful. Maybe little bit sent of spring... well, maybe it is still far away!

Anyhow, 1st day started as full studying, awaking myself to deepness of music!

I did go to college for 4 years... Studied in music department for that long. Took so many classes and... studied a lot to pass these classes to graduate in 4 years... When I think of myself back in then, I really did not enjoy many of my classes. I was trying so hard to 'pass' the class... so I can move on to... So, nothing really sticked on me. This is horrable. After full 2 year away from academic... I started to get motivation of studying once again.

Yesterday (1st day of vacation) I had chance to study score with a composer. A wonderful composer living in Paris, who's music I adore so much... She taught so many theory, harmony, and analysis classes back in Japan... full knowledged lady I know... I really did not feel any fun of studying back in 4 years ago... but yesterday... I was truly excited. She letted me open my eyes once again. Scores... full of suprises. Composers have hiddedn so many excitement in there music... It is easy to just play through it... but... that really does not mean much... Looking into score, analysising it... it really brought me smile on my face. It was like tresure hunt in other way. At same time, I rememberd how much things I have forgotten from theory, analysis, and harmony classes from under graduate... Oooops. I kind of remembered, but not whole a lot... I was ashamed... My parents have helped me so much to go to college... to STUDY... and what did I learn? How much was I able to make connection between my flute performing to theses all classes I had to take back then...? Not so much... Oh my goodness. What was I thinking... I was only thinking passing theses classes and moving on... I really did not make much connection to anything.

I hope it is not too late to going back. Now I am my own... I have motivation to study this time. For this time, it is not passing or failing. This time for my self... Facing to this, I am sure it will give me extra confidence to perform my own music...

I do think... IF... If I were able to make some connections, and understand... applying everything into my own music back in undergrad... MAYBE there would be different myself right now... Well, I cannot go back to the past right...?

At least I realized it... I will just gain more awareness starting now, and work little extra harder to catch up... I cannot rewind the time... Life only goes forward...

I have stepped out from the black hole.