Music... that Squeeeezes your heart... and brings tears to your eyes....

There are so many wonderful musics out in this world. Classic... rock n roll... film music... etc etc. Music is very personal and really emotional. There are whole a lot of music which are written for flute also. They are same music... however, everyone has different ideas... different personalities...

There is a piece we played last week with Jean... by his friend composer... her musical lines always gets my heart. I do not know what it is, but everytime I hear it... it squeezes my heart, and my tears come out. This is a good tear, not sad one. Jean really brings her music to life... Last week we played it together, and our performing moment was very magical. After whole week later, I am still listning back the recording from that night... Who knows how many times I have repeated this tune to listen... I still have not gotten tired, everytime I listen, I still get the fresh squeeze.


Today way 2nd lesson. Last week was so busy and so as weekend... I were not able to find much practice time... I was very shamed on myself, being here to study music, and not beable to practice as much as I needed to be... I carried my music score where ever I went, and I had to practice on the score, without flute for many hours... imagination practice. I finally practice a little yesterday (sunday), however, my concentlation was awful and myself was so out of shape. I was so stressed out and it was not going to right direction.. so I packed my flute back into case... and went out for dancing to just reflesh up myself.

Maybe it helped me...? During lesson, it did take me good chunk of time to get into tune my own... and play from my heart... not the score... I can never hide anything for Jean. He sees everything, he finds out everything through me. He knows all my weakness, without me telling him. Anyways, lesson... After I finally let myself go... and 'just-play'... things started to come together. I always feel so guilty to 'just-play'... because... the moment Jean gets my music and let me know is the... when I try nothing. I feel guilty so much... and I always go back to my old habit, 'try' to get to my music, try to payattention to notes and sound... theses 'try' try try... they build up in my head and they kill my music.

Confidence is what I still have to work on. In my room, practicing... I have confidence... I can play... And I feel like I can play during lesson w.o problems... but not yet... Little bit of thought like thinking I am getting judged or theses little thought... really breaks my music... Music is so sensitive and so direct. Today's lesson, I learned that making music is Love and Hate, there is nothing between. Between will be the friendship, which I love, but Music must be more passionate... Happiness and Gracefull to joyful are all different emotions... Painful to sadness to rament... they are all different emotion also. Jean's music is so colorful and full of faces. One moment, there is happines, but he can let it cry out too... Amazingly enough, his ideas really transfar to listners... There are so many times his music squeezed me and made me cry during lesson... just listning him play and him trying to show me how his ideas are... Language of his music is so vivid and so powerful. I still do not have that. I were able to understand some of them last year through Baroque music... However, when it comes to Romantic music.. this is whole new language to me. They are both written music on the paper, like languages... Japanese or Chinese, English or French... however, evey different... There are so much I have to learn. I hope I will pick it up quickly this year...

Awww... music.
It just makes me cry all the time...
Good cry.
I wish to shar this feeling with everyone someday... someday soon. It is a wonderful feeling... it hurts in good way... I love it...